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When dating app Feeld launched in 2014 – then known as ‘3nder’, before rival Tinder sued in 2016 – it was billed as a niche platform for people interested in ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, kink, and other alternative relationship models. Today, Feeld is still marketed as “the dating app for the curious”, but it’s safe to say it’s no longer as ‘underground’ as it once was.

While it’s unclear how many people use Feeld, according to Fast Company the app has seen an average user growth of 30 per cent each year since 2022. The platform’s popularity has soared so much in recent years that for the first time last year the company was large enough to file full accounts at Companies House: the publicly available records show that the company’s turnover increased from £20.7 million to £39.5 million in 2023.

Perhaps it’s unsurprising that Feeld has gone mainstream. The app has ridden the wave of the ‘sex positivity’ movement, which has sought to challenge patriarchal and conservative attitudes towards sexuality (particularly female sexuality). Plus, it’s no secret that young people are sick and tired of dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble, with innumerable articles penned about how these sorts of platforms are “soul-destroying”, “dystopian”, and “a total nightmare”. Initially Feeld seemed refreshingly different: a place to meet people who were more in touch with their desires and needs, more honest, more introspective. As the New York Times wrote last year, the platform “acquired a reputation as a space that fosters directness, something of a rarity in the dating app world.”

But could Feeld’s newfound success be its own undoing? Some of its longtime users are now worried about vast swathes of people migrating to the app who don’t really understand kink. Sabrina*, 27, joined Feeld a few years ago with a view to finding a kinky romantic partner. Now, however, she feels as though it is “harder to find single people with kinks who are open to a long-term relationship” on the platform, with most users simply looking for casual sex. “Someone on Feeld recently asked me to send a list of my kinks. When I did, they kind of freaked out and said I was obviously way kinkier than them – and honestly, I didn’t send anything extreme, it was all pretty standard stuff in my opinion,” she says. “It definitely feels like it has changed from a kink app to a casual sex app.”

It’s not about gatekeeping or shaming people for being vanilla. It can be a safety issue if people don’t understand the importance of safe words and aftercare

This chimes with Ellie*, 26. “For some reason, casual sex is now considered kinky [by some men on Feeld] because they’re finding it via this app, but it’s really not,” she says. “If I got out any of my implements or told them about some of the stuff I’ve done in the past, they would not be up for it. That’s obviously completely fine, but I don’t want to feel unsafe or shamed on an app that’s supposed to actually cater for people like me.”

30-year-old Lily* joined Feeld three years ago. “In those early days I did genuinely enjoy using it,” she recalls, explaining that she met someone through the platform who helped her learn a lot about her sexuality. “He genuinely transformed the way I viewed myself, treated me with respect, made me feel attractive, taught me so much about kink and the community, safewords, limits, non-monogamy […] I am so grateful for that experience.” 

“But Feeld has become unrecognisable from the app that I knew it to be in 2021,” she continues, reiterating Ellie and Sabrina’s belief that the app has become more of a platform for casual hook-ups than kink. “Where are the people who are open to forming more committed, long-standing connections with other kinky people? Everyone is looking for casual, ‘friends with benefits’ style arrangements and that’s seen as the ‘kink’ itself.”

The growing popularity of Feeld has also resulted in rising numbers of users on the app who aren’t well-versed in the nuances of kink, which is subsequently making women like Lily, Ellie, and Sabrina feel less comfortable and safe pursuing connections on the platform. “There are men on there who don’t practise safe kink and will have something like ‘naturally dominant’ in their bio, but it’s so clear that they wouldn’t take steps to make you feel safe,” Ellie says.

Lily explains that she’s encountered men on Feeld who identify as “solo poly” without really understanding what the term means. “These days it’s a term that has been co-opted by emotionally unavailable, usually straight men who want all the benefits of having multiple partners, but none of the responsibility […] besides, polyamory is supposed to mean ‘many loves’, not ‘no loves’.” Ellie adds that she’s also noticed many single men on the app describing themselves as “ethically non-monogamous” (ENM) as a way to get away with “treating women like shit”. “I feel like the language of sex positivity has just been co-opted by men who haven’t changed their sexual behaviours, but now get to feel good about themselves by calling themselves ‘sex-positive’,” she says.

“It’s not about gatekeeping or shaming people for being vanilla,” Sabrina adds. “It can be a safety issue if people don’t understand the importance of safe words and aftercare. Most of the time it comes back to men not respecting women and equating kink with casual sex or engaging in risky acts like choking and impact play without understanding how to do it safely.”

There are signs that kinks like choking are becoming mainstream among young people: a US study found that 58 per cent of female college students have been choked during sex, while an Australian survey of over 4,000 people aged between 18 and 35 found that 57 per cent had been strangled during sex at least once. It goes without saying that people who enjoy rough sex should be able to pursue it without fear or shame, but it’s simultaenously possible that that the sex-positive movement has been partly co-opted by men who just want to dominate women whether they truly consent or not. Concerningly, a third of British women under 40 have experienced unwanted slapping, spitting, choking or gagging in bed, according to research carried out for We Can’t Consent to This, a campaign group seeking to end the use of the “rough sex” defence for murder.

“Our intention at Feeld is always to create safer and more inclusive spaces for our community […] As Feeld has grown, so has our investment in Member safety,” says Feeld’s Trust and Safety Lead Noor Salama. “Both online and offline, Feeld defines active consent as a clear ‘yes’, freely given, without coercion, manipulation, or while incapacitated. It is a ‘yes’, made intentionally, by a person who is informed about what will and will not happen in an exchange. It is also a ‘yes’ that can be retracted at any time, and for any reason.”

“If someone is made to feel unsafe on or off Feeld, we want to know,” she says, adding that they ask users to anonymously report any harassment, abuse, threats, discriminatory behaviour, or misconduct that they witness or experience. “We believe all companies should have a high degree of responsibility when it comes to trust and safety. Feeld is no different. We are very mindful of who we attract, why we attract them and why we want them on our platform. Our approach to growing intentionally allows for our community to understand a certain etiquette of behaviour, consent, attraction and language; which is essential to creating a space where people feel they can connect openly.”

But, ultimately, this is a problem far bigger than Feeld; as Ellie says, “an app can’t fix gender relations.” Nor is the issue that sex positivity has gone ‘too far’. It’s more that it hasn’t gone far enough; specifically, we’re still waiting for men to realise that being “sex-positive” doesn’t just mean being horny and dominant – it means being alert to how gender roles and power dynamics might play out during sex in order to better pursue pleasurable, consensual and safe experiences for all involved.

*Name has been changed

When dating app Feeld launched in 2014 – then known as ‘3nder’, before rival Tinder sued in 2016 – it was billed as a niche platform for people interested in ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, kink, and other alternative relationship models. Today, Feeld is still marketed as “the dating app for the curious”, but it’s safe to say it’s no longer as ‘underground’ as it once was.

While it’s unclear how many people use Feeld, according to Fast Company the app has seen an average user growth of 30 per cent each year since 2022. The platform’s popularity has soared so much in recent years that for the first time last year the company was large enough to file full accounts at Companies House: the publicly available records show that the company’s turnover increased from £20.7 million to £39.5 million in 2023.

Perhaps it’s unsurprising that Feeld has gone mainstream. The app has ridden the wave of the ‘sex positivity’ movement, which has sought to challenge patriarchal and conservative attitudes towards sexuality (particularly female sexuality). Plus, it’s no secret that young people are sick and tired of dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble, with innumerable articles penned about how these sorts of platforms are “soul-destroying”, “dystopian”, and “a total nightmare”. Initially Feeld seemed refreshingly different: a place to meet people who were more in touch with their desires and needs, more honest, more introspective. As the New York Times wrote last year, the platform “acquired a reputation as a space that fosters directness, something of a rarity in the dating app world.”

But could Feeld’s newfound success be its own undoing? Some of its longtime users are now worried about vast swathes of people migrating to the app who don’t really understand kink. Sabrina*, 27, joined Feeld a few years ago with a view to finding a kinky romantic partner. Now, however, she feels as though it is “harder to find single people with kinks who are open to a long-term relationship” on the platform, with most users simply looking for casual sex. “Someone on Feeld recently asked me to send a list of my kinks. When I did, they kind of freaked out and said I was obviously way kinkier than them – and honestly, I didn’t send anything extreme, it was all pretty standard stuff in my opinion,” she says. “It definitely feels like it has changed from a kink app to a casual sex app.”

It’s not about gatekeeping or shaming people for being vanilla. It can be a safety issue if people don’t understand the importance of safe words and aftercare

This chimes with Ellie*, 26. “For some reason, casual sex is now considered kinky [by some men on Feeld] because they’re finding it via this app, but it’s really not,” she says. “If I got out any of my implements or told them about some of the stuff I’ve done in the past, they would not be up for it. That’s obviously completely fine, but I don’t want to feel unsafe or shamed on an app that’s supposed to actually cater for people like me.”

30-year-old Lily* joined Feeld three years ago. “In those early days I did genuinely enjoy using it,” she recalls, explaining that she met someone through the platform who helped her learn a lot about her sexuality. “He genuinely transformed the way I viewed myself, treated me with respect, made me feel attractive, taught me so much about kink and the community, safewords, limits, non-monogamy […] I am so grateful for that experience.” 

“But Feeld has become unrecognisable from the app that I knew it to be in 2021,” she continues, reiterating Ellie and Sabrina’s belief that the app has become more of a platform for casual hook-ups than kink. “Where are the people who are open to forming more committed, long-standing connections with other kinky people? Everyone is looking for casual, ‘friends with benefits’ style arrangements and that’s seen as the ‘kink’ itself.”

The growing popularity of Feeld has also resulted in rising numbers of users on the app who aren’t well-versed in the nuances of kink, which is subsequently making women like Lily, Ellie, and Sabrina feel less comfortable and safe pursuing connections on the platform. “There are men on there who don’t practise safe kink and will have something like ‘naturally dominant’ in their bio, but it’s so clear that they wouldn’t take steps to make you feel safe,” Ellie says.

Lily explains that she’s encountered men on Feeld who identify as “solo poly” without really understanding what the term means. “These days it’s a term that has been co-opted by emotionally unavailable, usually straight men who want all the benefits of having multiple partners, but none of the responsibility […] besides, polyamory is supposed to mean ‘many loves’, not ‘no loves’.” Ellie adds that she’s also noticed many single men on the app describing themselves as “ethically non-monogamous” (ENM) as a way to get away with “treating women like shit”. “I feel like the language of sex positivity has just been co-opted by men who haven’t changed their sexual behaviours, but now get to feel good about themselves by calling themselves ‘sex-positive’,” she says.

“It’s not about gatekeeping or shaming people for being vanilla,” Sabrina adds. “It can be a safety issue if people don’t understand the importance of safe words and aftercare. Most of the time it comes back to men not respecting women and equating kink with casual sex or engaging in risky acts like choking and impact play without understanding how to do it safely.”

There are signs that kinks like choking are becoming mainstream among young people: a US study found that 58 per cent of female college students have been choked during sex, while an Australian survey of over 4,000 people aged between 18 and 35 found that 57 per cent had been strangled during sex at least once. It goes without saying that people who enjoy rough sex should be able to pursue it without fear or shame, but it’s simultaenously possible that that the sex-positive movement has been partly co-opted by men who just want to dominate women whether they truly consent or not. Concerningly, a third of British women under 40 have experienced unwanted slapping, spitting, choking or gagging in bed, according to research carried out for We Can’t Consent to This, a campaign group seeking to end the use of the “rough sex” defence for murder.

“Our intention at Feeld is always to create safer and more inclusive spaces for our community […] As Feeld has grown, so has our investment in Member safety,” says Feeld’s Trust and Safety Lead Noor Salama. “Both online and offline, Feeld defines active consent as a clear ‘yes’, freely given, without coercion, manipulation, or while incapacitated. It is a ‘yes’, made intentionally, by a person who is informed about what will and will not happen in an exchange. It is also a ‘yes’ that can be retracted at any time, and for any reason.”

“If someone is made to feel unsafe on or off Feeld, we want to know,” she says, adding that they ask users to anonymously report any harassment, abuse, threats, discriminatory behaviour, or misconduct that they witness or experience. “We believe all companies should have a high degree of responsibility when it comes to trust and safety. Feeld is no different. We are very mindful of who we attract, why we attract them and why we want them on our platform. Our approach to growing intentionally allows for our community to understand a certain etiquette of behaviour, consent, attraction and language; which is essential to creating a space where people feel they can connect openly.”

But, ultimately, this is a problem far bigger than Feeld; as Ellie says, “an app can’t fix gender relations.” Nor is the issue that sex positivity has gone ‘too far’. It’s more that it hasn’t gone far enough; specifically, we’re still waiting for men to realise that being “sex-positive” doesn’t just mean being horny and dominant – it means being alert to how gender roles and power dynamics might play out during sex in order to better pursue pleasurable, consensual and safe experiences for all involved.

*Name has been changed